The Pfoffenstroggerby Duamutef....
'I'm not going to tell you again!'
'Okay mom, we'll try to be quiet...' Sally groaned as she hunched over the game she and her friends were playing.
'No, you'll BE quiet, because if you don't, the Pfoffenstrogger will get you!' Her mother retorted.
'Mom, we're a little old to be afraid of monster stories.' the young teenager sighed.
'Oh, not afraid of the Pfoffenstrogger...' Sally's mother's face was deadpan serious. 'You will be. You...will...be.'
Elizabeth Anne scowled and stuck her finger down her throat. Paula giggled silently at the gesture as Sally's mother shut the door again.
'The Foffanstinger. My mom used to tell me stories about that too. She said it'd come and take me away to a prison camp if I didn't clean my room.' Paula said sarcastically.
'It's Pfoffenstrogger. And it doesn't take you away, it just eats you.' Sally clarified.
'Oh.' Paula said simply.
'My mom has told me the story a million times.' Sally continued. 'Don't sass back, or you'll be on the Pfoffenstrogger's plate tonight! Don't ditch school, or the Pfoffenstrogger will be waiting for you when you get home! Even my dad got into it for a while...' she droned, obviously sick of the whole idea.
There was a slight pause. 'You you think the Pfoffenstrogger looks like Mel Gibson?' Janice asked.
'Ick. Don't even go there.' Sally mumbled. Janice was such a pervert. Her and Elizabeth Anne. They'd probably LIKE being eaten. 'Let's get back to the game.'
The four girls did so, and soon they were screaming and giggling just like they were before.
'Sshhh! You guys, Sally's mom is gonna come back down here!'
'Yeah, be quiet!'
'Come on, you were being louder than me!'
'Would you two shut up!?'
'Well, she was!'
Suddenly the four girls heard a thump.
'Oh crap, that's probably your dad!'
'Everybody be really quiet!'
Everything went quiet.
Her dad probably wouldn't be humming if he was coming downstairs to yell at her.
The girls just sat in Sally's room and listened intently.
The door handle began to turn.
It creaked open a crack. Then swung open.
Suddenly, all four girls bolted backwards, screaming at the top of their lungs.
There wasn't someone at the door--there was someTHING.
All they could see was leathery, brown skin with wirey hairs protruding from every which way, and a set of what appeared to be gigantic square teeth. Both ends of the huge mouth dissappeared on either side of the doorway--the thing must have been huge. They continued to scream as the monster grunted and squealed and tried to force itself through the tiny door. Just when they thought it wouldn't be able to get them, it started to back away, and then, with a terrible banging crash, it rammed clean through the front wall of Sally's room.
'It's the Hockenstoffer!'
They could get a much better view of the creature now, even though it was covered in white dust from bashing through the sheetrock. It's mouth was, indeed, enormous--at least six feet from end to end, and giant white teeth--at least a foot square--filled it. The thing had dozens of great big gooey eyes, half of which were on stalks, the other half seemingly implanted at random on the mass of it's body. Tentacles prodruded from ruffles and mounds in it's skin, and two great, leathery arms reached out from either side of it's chaotic bodymass.
'It's gonna eat us! IT'S GONNA EAT US!!' Paula screamed.
'I say now, calm down, dear girls.'
All of them suddenly stopped screaming for a moment and stared at the creature, dumbfounded.
'You can talk?' It HAD talked--and it almost sounded--British. Since when did giant mutant girl-eating monsters have London accents?
'Yes my dear. I am capable of speech. I do wish to point out that all that screaming won't do you a bit of good. I'm afraid your parents can no longer hear you,' suddenly the creature's expression changed, and it's voice did a very distinct shift to a low, reverberating tone--sounding like a sheetmetal worker--'BECAUSE WE ATE 'EM.' Just as suddenly, it's voice shifted back. 'Come come, now. There must have been a more tactful way to state that.' 'SHUT UP YOU FROG. LET'S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.' 'You must learn to relax, and enjoy these things.' It turned it's attention back to the girls. 'Now girls, I must ask that all of you huddle together.'
They were already huddled together.
'Excellent. Now...' The creature reached behind it and produced a gigantic, rough-looking brown sack, 'If all of you would be so kind as to enter this conveyance, I would--'
'HE'S GONNA TAKE US OFF TO A PRISON CAMP!!' Paula screamed. 'SEE!? YOU SEE!? I TOLD YOU!!'
The creature's gruff voice came out again. 'AW, SCREW YOUR POLITENESS! LET'S JUST GRAB 'EM!!'
One of the huge, leathery arms shot out towards the girls. Sally scrambled away from it, practically going overtop of Elizabeth Anne as she clawed towards the back of the room. She heard Janice screeching, then suddenly the sound became muffled as she turned around and saw a human form already thrashing around in the heavy brown sack. The creature grabbed Paula next, wrapping it's gigantic leathery hands around her body and practically tossing her into the sack. Elizabeth Anne was trying to open the window, but the monster grabbed the back of her pink pajama top and dragged her screaming towards it, briefly opening the sack for just long enough to shove her in. Three bodies now squirmed in the bulbous bag, and Sally stared terrified at the creature.
'W--what are you gonna do to me?!'
'Why, my dear lady, we simply wish to enjoy your presence at our home.'
'SURE. WHATEVER. GET IN THE SACK!!
' The hand flew towards her and she yelped. Practically leaping out of the way, she lost her balance and fell to the ground. Something big and rough pinched against her leg, and she was suddenly being dragged across the carpet. She screamed and clawed futilely at the carpeting as the monster pulled her towards it. 'No! NOOOOO!!' She yelled as it lifted her off the ground. 'I'm terribly sorry. My associate is awfully rude and SHUT UP AND LET ME HANDLE THIS.'
The monster wrapped a full, giant hand around her midsection and thrust her backwards. She saw the sides of the sack slide past her and she was suddenly bumped against the hot bodies of her friends, just before the top of the sack closed above her.
Suddenly the bag shifted and the girls felt themselves being dragged along the ground. Hot bodyparts surrounded Sally as she sat in the human pile, all of them trying to shift their way out of each other and only managing to make it worse as hands, knees and elbows were constantly pushed against faces, backs and ribs. The uncomfortable dance continued for quite a while before they all managed to get to a position they could mutually stand. They were dragged along the ground for what felt like a good twenty minutes, until the movement abruptly stopped.
All was silent for a moment.
The girls felt each other's bodies moving as they breathed, each afraid to make any greater move but to lie and listen.
Suddenly, there was a sound.
An odd sound, almost like...
'I say, old man, nothing quite like sitting down and enjoying the game, eh?' 'HELL YEAH. GIMME ANOTHER BEER.'
This couldn't be. They were watching a FOOTBALL game! While they were still lying here sweating in this smelly sack!
But then, it did beat being eaten.
'Say, old boy, shall we start with the snacks?'
Suddenly the bag lurched. The whole thing upended and the girls went tumbling down into some sort of giant, smooth...bowl. A giant yellow tupperware bowl. Just as the surreality of it began to sink in, a steel mesh was snapped over it, sealing the girls inside, still tight against one another's bodies. They now had at least some view of where they were, though. They were in some sort of cave, with a giant widescreen TV against one wall and a gigantic, filthy couch near them which the beast was now plopping itself down on.
'What are you gonna do to us!?' Janice yelled.
The beast turned a few of it's eyes back towards her. The other girls panicked, suddenly mad at Janice for getting it's attention. It grinned nauseatingly and partially opened the steel mesh for a moment as it's other hand reached in--towards Janice.
'LET ME SHOW YOU.'
Janice tried to get away, but there was nowhere to go. The hairy hand wrapped around her thighs and pulled her out of the bowl and held her up in front of it's 'Face'. It's mouth began to open, and within a few seconds it was almost as tall as it was wide, gaping before Janice like a giant, wet pit. A long, slimy tongue wagged back and forth as a blob of thick drool began to roll down it's flesh. She was thrust towards the mouth, and then--
'No no, I say, man! You can't eat them like that!' 'WHY NOT!?' 'Why, dear boy, you must remove the shell first! Here, let me show you.'
The giant's mouth was now closed, and Janice was still alive. The beast's second hand harshly grabbed her pajama top and yanked, ripping the buttons and subsequently the whole top clean off of her.
'Hey!' Janice yelled before the creature hooked a giant claw underneath her bra. 'Uh oh...' she said futilely as it pulled and the bra snapped off. The hand suddenly wrapped around her upper half. A chill went through her as she felt the beast's rough skin against her bare chest and back, and the other hand let go of her, leaving her legs dangling in the air. A quick flick of the creature's claw down her body and she was naked.
The other girls squirmed uncomfortably as they watched their friend get undressed. They were terrified of what they might have to watch next. However, the beast did not open it's tremendous maw again and toss her into it's slimy depths like they thought. Instead, the monster simply shifted it's grip on Janice and turned it's attention to something next to the giant couch. There was something there, big and white-ish, but they couldn't tell what it was. There was a loud ripping sound, and the beast's hand came up with what looked like a giant sheet of painted tinfoil. It tossed it nonchalantly away, leaving it to land directly on the bowl the girls were sitting in. They got a better view of it--there was writing on one side. Their skin turned to ice as one of them read it out loud.
'Gore and Mortogg's--SUPER BOWL BARBECUE SAUCE!?'
Indeed, even as they looked, the beast was lowering the screaming Janice headfirst into the giant tub of the stuff. She came up covered in reddish goop, spitting it out and shaking her head violently since her arms were pinned to her sides. The beast's mouth opened again, and all three girls screamed in unison as, this time, it DID toss her in. There was more screaming from Janice as her whole body laid in the slimy folds of the beast's mouth, and her legs kicked wildly in the generous space. They only saw it for a second, though, as the beast's giant teeth came together again, followed by it's 'lips'. Sally could still hear Janice's screaming, faint and muffled, from inside. Until suddenly there was an enormously loud 'GLUMP'...and the screaming was gone.
The screaming resumed very shortly thereafter, from the bowl.
'Ooh, I say...' The monster rumbled as it patted itself, 'That did hit the spot, didn't it? Fancy another one?' 'DEFINATELY.'
The beast looked away from the TV and at the bowl again, this time pulling up the lid and grabbing Elizabeth Anne. She didn't scream, she just hyperventilated as the monster nonchalantly pulled off her nightgown and undergarments. Strangely, it then grabbed both of her arms and held her suspended by one hand as it dunked her legs and hips into the barbecue sauce. It pulled her out again and held her high above it's head. Her wild kicking sending gobbets of the spicy goop everywhere. A few of the blobs spattered into the monster's eyes, causing it to chastise her. 'Now see here, young lady! That is not appropriate! Now you stop that right now!'
Amazingly, she did. Out of shock, out of some terrified semblance of politeness, out of fear, who knew.
'That's better. Now in you go.'
She started breathing hard and kicking again, but her legs were already between the monster's teeth. Amazingly, she still didn't scream as the beast suddenly let go. Sally watched her fall, and with another 'GLUMP', she was gone. The beast didn't even close it's mouth.
'SALLY!' Paula suddenly screamed. 'LOOK!'
She was pointing towards the bulk of the beast's body.
'What?' Sally asked. Then she noticed. It seemed to be moving. And not the way the rest of the beast moved.
'That's Janice! And Elizabeth! They're IN there! They're still alive, in it's stomach!'
The beast made a loud, wet belch to accentuate the point.
'Well, what can we do!?' Sally asked.
'I don't know!'
Suddenly, the beast's hand reached towards the bowl again. 'Oh no!' Sally yelled. It grabbed Paula, stripped her, but waited to eat her as it was engrossed in watching what was apparently a very exciting play. That lasted until the show suddenly went to commercial.
'OH, I HATE COMMERCIALS...'
'Ah, but this means we can have more fun with this one...' It said, looking back and forth from Paula to Sally. It suddenly turned towards her, moving over to her until it was just above the bowl.
'I think we'll let you watch this one.'
'Sally!' Paula yelled as she wriggled in it's strong grip. 'Do something!' Sally simply stared helplessly at the grinning monster. It spread it's teeth wide open again, revealing it's gigantic mouth. For the first time, she got a clear view of all of it. The beast's mouth was enormous, probably big enough to stand OR lie down in. She wondered with terror if it's stomach was as big. It's deep maw ended as the flesh curved downward, doubtless towards the creature's gullet.
The monster's hand moved towards the mouth, slowly and purposefully, letting Sally see every movement, every nuance. 'SAAALLLLLLYYY!' Paula screamed as it's hand moved into the mouth itself, taking her with it. The mouth began to close, first pressing against Paula's head, and then her feet. Soon her body was bent in half, and the beast's lips wrapped around it's own arm. The arm came out with a slimy sound, and it's teeth and lips parted just enough for Sally to see. Paula was still inside, partially bent over and trying to move. Just as she started to make some progress, a monstrous finger went in and shoved her deeper into the mouth. It closed again and Sally heard Paula scream. The monster inched a little closer to Sally as it's lips pursed together as though it were sucking on her. It's face moved in strange ways, then it's mouth opened wide again. Paula was at the back of it's throat, strands of mucousy saliva coating every inch of her body as she suddenly tried to scramble out. The beast's strong finger kept her at bay, though, and slowly started pushing her even further back--straight down it's gullet. It poked her midsection and began to shove, and Paula's butt slowly dissappeared behind the curve of the beast's throat.
'SALLY!' She screamed as loud as she could. 'HELP ME!!'
The beast pushed harder, and Paula's legs began to tilt upward as Paula's rear was shoved deeper into the creature and her thighs were pressed up against her body. 'SALLY!' she continued to yell as she reached for her, her fingers splayed open and grasping at nothing. Sally began to pound against the metal grating holding her in the bowl, but it was quite solid. There was a slight groan from the monster's body as Paula began to slide down even further. Soon everything up to the top of her chest had vanished, leaving only her shoulders, head and calves sticking up from the creature's throat. Tears streamed down Paula's face as a giant claw planted itself against the top of her head in preparation for the final shove.
Sally watched helplessly as her friend was pushed slowly into oblivion. With only her lower calves and feet still visible, the creature gulped loudly. Sally saw the throat muscles shudder as they wrapped around Paula's feet and, when they receded, she was gone.
That's it, Paula thought. Everyone has been eaten but me. I must be next. The creature was grinning widely at her. She just stared back helplessly until it reached into the bowl and it's rubbery hand nabbed her. 'WAIT!' She yelled. 'I'M SORRY! I'LL NEVER HAVE A SLEEPOVER AGAIN! I'LL CLEAN MY ROOM! I'LL TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!'
It ignored her as it peeled her clothes off. She felt the chill air against her skin.
'I'LL GET BETTER GRADES! I'LL EVEN GET A JOB! OH PLEEEEEAAASE DON'T EAT MEEEEE..'
Her cries were squelched as her whole body was dunked into the warm barbecue sauce. She was blinded, thrashing her head furiously to try to get the slime off of her face as she felt her body moving through the air. She got one eye open just in time to see the inside of the creature's mouth before her face was pressed into the back of it's throat. The wet, spongy flesh slid against her as the beast let go and it's mouth closed, plunging her into total darkness. She almost had enough room to pull herself up on her arms, but the rest of the mouth suddenly pressed down on her, literally forcing her down the beast's throat. She screamed as she felt the gooey esophagus slide against her skin as she slithered down it's tight gullet. It's throat was a lot smaller than the mouth made it look. The trip was short, and soon Sally felt herself being gradually squirted out of the throat and into the creature's stomach. Her body immediately pressed against several things--some felt soft and spongy, like the rest of the beast's flesh, and some felt smooth and slick--like the bodies of her friends! They writhed against Sally as they all found themselves trapped in the small, gushy sack. Warm liquid--which smelled like a trucker's bathroom--filled 3/4ths of the chamber, making it hard for Sally to keep breathing. It kept feeling like someone was holding her down in a cramped swimming pool. As the gurgling sounds were gradually drowned out by the screaming, Sally felt the stomach walls begin to shift as it slowly set about the business of digesting her and her friends...
And the moral of this story is: